Charleston, South Carolina. That’s what happened. It was just that simple, and just that complicated. I didn’t start out thinking I was going to “go dark” for the past two months; but as the days progressed in slow agonizing horror, the evil racist killing of those Christian men and women based on lies just wrenched at my heart; tore at my soul – leveled my mind into numbness, sadness – all while I was wrestling with the fact that violence against “me and mine” just never ends. It always seemed to rear its ugly, demented head driven by some illogical rationale to justify the spilling of blood; the taking of life with little regard to the humanity of its victims.
This vile action did not spark a “race war” as the alleged killer strove to ignite; but as we now know, it created an atmosphere of love, brought together kindred spirits in forgiveness and brotherhood; forged a deep sense of “community” beyond what one could not possibly envisioned in South Carolina mere weeks – perhaps even days prior to this heinous, barbaric act.
And yet, I could not move myself to share my grief and all the myriad emotions welled up inside of me. I could not write about it. I could not inflict my wrath of anger; my shocking hurt of mind and body – my profound disbelief of what had happened in Charleston with you. Small though my “blogging community” may be; it did not feel right to me to subject you to my anguish; my wailing and railing to the powers on high, that such devastation once again walked amongst us.
Days misted into a week; then another – but I still was not ready to talk with you. I did not know how to approach you about this massacre that took place in that AMC church where devoted Christians gathered to learn the lessons taught by Jesus of Nazareth. In all honesty, I was concerned about your reaction to my words; because they would have been “hot and fiery” fueled by pain – immense unbearable pain. But then, the tide of love swept away some myths of American history unveiling much-needed truths, and I was mesmerized as a new history unfolded in South Carolina; indeed across this nation that I love. I am still very much wary of my country. It still tends to falter, lurch and stumble its way forward – trampling me in the process, bringing pain with progress. I suppose that’s as it should be.
Weeks turned into more weeks, and I still could not bring myself to reach out and purge my emotions on to these pages and send them to the world – to you. Then I realized that there might be some “blogging etiquette” I had broken with my abrupt departure by not posting a word about my absence and why to my community. Perhaps this was presumptuous on my part; I do not know. That’s why this explanation is my first post since Charleston, South Carolina (my next one will expand on that subject.) In the meantime, please feel free to take me to task if I have not abided by the rules – real or unspoken.
It has been an incredible tough couple of months for me. But I believe I am ready to engage with you again. I have missed your talents, outlooks, helpful natures, friendships, engaging posts that teaches, funny stories that makes me smile, “ha ha” out loud or chuckle softly. As importantly, know that you have broadened my understanding of different viewpoints and cultures, and allowed me to sometime share you joy and pain. I am the better for it.
I have missed us.
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